Un artículo para ayudarte a transitar tu duelo

Autor: María Eugenia Ruíz / Psicólogo/Coach transaccional / @psicomaru_ruiz

Toda esta situación de pandemia nos está llevando a vivir muchos duelos por muerte, lo cual nos toma por sorpresa porque es inesperado, no estamos preparados y siempre tenemos la esperanza de que nuestro ser querido va a superar la enfermedad.

Sólo nos queda el recuerdo de un último adiós en el lugar donde lo dejamos y confusión porque pensamos: pero no estaba grave y; nunca nos imaginamos que esa sería la última vez que lo veríamos.

Este es un duelo complicado y retardado porque la muerte es tan súbita, y además la mayoría de las veces no puedes velar ni enterrar el cuerpo de tu ser querido.

Tú cerebro no lo asimila, no entiende la pérdida, la ausencia, no procesa la muerte sino que se mantiene en negación, en incredulidad ante lo que está pasando.

Hay muchas emociones y sentimientos encontrados que no ayudan a entrar en el proceso de elaborar el duelo:

  • Rabia y culpa a la vez por no haber tenido los medios económicos suficientes para salvar a tu ser querido o no haberlo llevado a tiempo para que lo trataran.
  • Miedo e impotencia por los familiares que quedan vulnerables y pueden contagiarse o ya están contagiados.
  • También terror de tú poder contagiarte y morir.

Y estas escenas se repiten una y otra vez en tu propia familia y alrededor de ti.

William Wonder PhD en psicología y una de las autoridades mundiales en el tratamiento del duelo, define el duelo por muerte como el proceso por el que pasa una persona al adaptarse a la pérdida de un ser querido.

Las pérdidas por muerte de un ser querido son las que más crisis causan, implica una crisis la propia pérdida, el sufrimiento que involucra el aceptar y reconocer que la persona ya no estará y nunca más la volverá a ver.

Además será necesario afrontar el nuevo equilibrio que la ausencia constituye, y que comprende un cambio en la estructura de la familia.

Este mismo autor cree que hay tareas por realizar en el proceso de duelo, para ayudar en su elaboración:

  • I: aceptar la realidad de la pérdida.
  • II: trabajar las emociones y el dolor de la pérdida.
  • III: adaptarse a un medio en el que el fallecido está ausente.
  • IV: recolocar emocionalmente al fallecido y continuar viviendo.

Estas tareas, a mi juicio, son muy personales cada quien hace lo que puede con los recursos emocionales que trae, cada duelo es único porque somos seres individuales, recordemos que nos adaptamos a una nueva forma de vida sin el otro.

Es importante comprender el duelo como un proceso en movimiento, con diversos cambios y posibilidades de expresión, no como un estado rígido y estático.

Además es necesario conocer los conceptos o creencias que el individuo tiene respecto a la muerte, en los diferentes ámbitos de la vida; ya sea:

  • Social
  • Relacional
  • Religioso

Y cómo fue su relación con el fallecido, la calidad del vínculo, pues todos estos factores cambian determinantemente el proceso.

Hay unas etapas descritas en las teorías psicológicas para el proceso de elaboración del duelo, respetadas por mí.

Pero la experiencia terapéutica me ha enseñado que cada quien vive su duelo de forma diferente y que no hay nada preestablecido, no hay etapas rígidas lo que hay son emociones por transitar que cambian varias veces en un día.

El duelo no tiene tiempo determinado para elaborarse, cada quien sobrevive como puede.

Lo importante es:

  • Expresar lo que sentimos, ser honestos con nosotros mismos; no reprimir la tristeza, ni la rabia, ni el miedo, ni ningún sentimiento que nos acompañe, todo esto dentro nos enferma, pero afuera nos libera.
  • Aceptar que la muerte de un ser querido nos deja en el aire, nos desgarra el alma y debemos aprender a vivir sin su presencia física.
  • Hablar del amado, recordarlo, nombrarlo, honrarlo; seguir todos los rituales culturales de acuerdo a nuestras creencias religiosas (si las tenemos) para despedirlo.

Tenemos muchas veces que pelear con Dios, si es necesario, para después calmarnos y poder sentir su abrazo de Padre.

Necesitamos caminar con el duelo, no en angustia, si en tristeza: extrañándolos, anhelándolos pero en paz.

La muerte nos aumenta el amor por el que ya no está; no se trata de que los otros quieran que lo soltemos y lo dejemos ir, se trata de entender que nunca se irá de nuestro corazón y ahora lo amo más porque valoro quien era en presencia.

Y ella nos hace vulnerables, nos hace humildes, nos sensibiliza por el dolor de la pérdida de otros. El amor por mi ser querido luego se vuelve misericordia por los que sufren.

El Dr. Jorge Gómez Calle quien está dedicado a acompañar a las personas en duelo por muerte, expresa que:

“el duelo dura lo que dura el amor por el amado”

También agrega que el duelo no debe resolverse racionalmente, hay que sentir las emociones, vivirlas no dar explicaciones, hay que ser gentil con uno mismo, hay que aprender a vivir sin el otro, para después volver a encontrarnos con nosotros mismos.

En el proceso de duelo se necesita compañía, pero ésta debe ser:

  • En silencio, sin juicios, sin exigencias de ser fuerte; de no llorar, de no expresar lo que sientes, sin consejos, sin explicaciones de la muerte, sin intentar consolar.
  • Sin presiones para que salgas a la vida como si no ha pasado nada, sin que te muestren lástima, ni te compadezcan, sin que te manden a trabajar a los dos días para que te distraigas.
  • Que te escuche, que se ponga en tu lugar para entender que la vida te cambió, que necesitas encontrarte, recolocarte en los espacios, aprender a vivir sin el otro.
  • Que no compita con tu dolor, que no sea más víctima que tú, sino que desde su amor incondicional, y de una forma humana y asertiva sepa adecuar cuando estar y cuando no estar para que llores tu dolor en tranquilidad.

Hay que vivir un día a la vez, elegir vivir cada mañana, soltar la culpa, la ira, el miedo, el resentimiento y el deseo de controlar las circunstancias de la muerte:

“si yo hubiera…”

Hay que perdonarse a sí mismo para poder sentir el amor del ser amado libremente desde el corazón, para que pueda llegar a éste y quedarse allí para siempre.

El amor nunca se acaba, sólo se transforma… el amor nunca deja de ser… y tu ser amado siempre podrá vivir en tu corazón.

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